Welcome to my blog: The Journey of F.I.T!

My path to identity, healing, & finding fulfillment in my 40s

Who Are You?

Such a simple question, but it's a doozy for those who have a lifetime of struggles with identity. That question always makes me think of the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland...Who...Are...You?

Well, here are the basics of who I am:

I’m Jenny, a 40-something SAHM, married to an architect, Steve, for almost 13 years. We're the proud parents of Sydney (10) and Harrison (8). They are my joy & everything I do is to be better physically, emotionally, and spiritually for them.

I'm a midwestern girl (Go Pack Go) living in Florida, and I love deep convos, personal development books, outfits that make me feel like a million bucks, Netflix, tropical destinations, flamingos, home renovations, bougie 60's & 70’s vibes, and music that makes my arm hairs stand up. I think new beginnings are magical. I love that every day we can think new thoughts, take new actions, and ultimately decide which direction we want to go.

“You are everything that brings you joy, lights you up, holds your attention, makes you weep, calms you down, enlists your talents, inspires you to grow.” - Jen Sincero

The extended version is that I’m almost 42 freaking years old, and I never truly knew who I was or what I wanted to be. I've only recently discovered true fulfillment, identity, and purpose in the most unlikely places, and that, my friends, is what The Journey of F.I.T. blog is all about. I’m an eager student of mindfulness, habit science, and nervous system regulation. Although it’s been "vision-board" worthy for years, I’m brand-new to blogging. I've procrastinated and denied it but never could quite shake the deep & relentless desire, so here we are. I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Like a hopeful Humpty Dumpty, I'm ready to crack open, spill my insides, & put myself together again.

Actually, I’ve been putting myself back together for a minute now. I'd say that all started during my postpartum fitness journey in 2016, which lit a fire and fueled so much goodness in my life when I felt so lost. Fast forward to May 2022, and even more profound healing began when I started journaling daily. It was a cathartic outlet to process & channel some challenging emotions while I was recovering from Long Covid and May-Thurner Syndrome. Truthfully though, my need for deep, transformative healing goes back much further than that.

Puke and Rally

I’ve struggled with anxiety & depression since my teens, and I felt gawky & awkward (gawkward??) for decades. High school, college, & young professional life was chock-full of insecurities & alcohol. I quite literally lived to go out on the weekends. I love my friends and look back on so much of that time fondly….but I also cringe, wondering how the fuck we made it out alive...

My twenties had operating instructions that looked a lot like this: drink until I could no more…wake up in a shame cone of hang-xiety (hung-over anxiety), and then have the “Sunday Scaries,” filled with dread, knowing that I had to go back to my soul-sucking call-center job on Monday. I was so unfulfilled.

I thought in “whens & thens.” When I get my dream job, then I'll know who I am.

When I get a great boyfriend, then I’ll be happy & fulfilled.… My own apartment...a house…get engaged…get married… have kids…. quit my job. (Spoiler alert—ALL those things eventually happened) So WHY did I still feel so unfulfilled? WTF was my problem? WHO AM I? What do I need to finally feel peace?

Here I was…Just living the dream.

In 2013, our daughter was born, and just a few months later, we packed up and moved from Wisconsin to Florida to pursue an excellent career opportunity for Steve. Our son was born shortly after that in 2014, and life so far from family & familiarity with two babies was a whirlwind.

We got out of the cold and lived in sunny Florida. I put my call-center jobs in the rearview and had the opportunity to stay at home with our two kiddos….and…I …was…….TREADING water. Steve travels a lot for his job, and although I fully supported him and his career (and am truly his biggest supporter)... I was angry. Bitter. Resentful. And I felt guilty AF about it. What did I have to complain about? I was living the dream!

Would you like a Side-Hustle?

Those next few years were a blur. We adjusted and started to thrive in our Florida life as a family of four. The kids and a stay-at-home moms group kept me occupied. In 2016 I was turned on to fitness & wellness and became an MLM-y online fitness coach. No shame in that game; I flipping LOVED it. I was losing baby weight, getting massive hits of endorphins and dopamine, connecting with an inspiring online community of mentors & teammates, and getting a weekly paycheck--enter ALL the "feel-goods." I finally felt comfortable in my skin. I felt confident. I felt vibrant for the first time...maybe EVER...and authentically shared my story on social media, helping other women feel and do the same. It was bizarre--I had never felt compelled like that in my entire life. At each step, I knew in my gut that I had to do it. I built a team and a lengthy customer list. I hit physical & business goals. I moved up the ranks of the company. I thought I was doing "all the things" to be a healthy, grounded, and fulfilled mother of two, but something was still missing. Fitness & nutrition became my lifeline to control anxiety, depression, & OCD and keep "Mommy-Rage" at bay, but those efforts would work...until they didn't. I had no idea I was still stuck in a constant state of fight or flight. My body & soul felt perpetually under attack. BUT WHY? Didn't I have it all?

Mommy guilt, shame, anger, and perfectionism kept the inner peace I desperately sought out of reach, and in 2017 it all came to a head when my exhausted, exasperated anger put me in the ER with an aneurysm in my leg. From there, I discovered I had some vascular issues and admitted I had ISSUES.

Anti-depressants helped me balance out mentally, but unfortunately, they also dulled my creative sparks and urges. The medicine stopped the angry outbursts but also fizzled out my creativity & passion for so many other things.

Looking back, I know I was giving into hustle culture for way longer than I'd like to admit. With Steve traveling so much, I was pushing my mental & physical limits far past the point of what was"healthy" for me...but I thought that if I wasn't grinding, working, & achieving to the end of exhaustion, I wasn't doing enough.

I wasn't enough.

I spent my precious energy proving to myself and others that I had value. If I could show others I was enough, maybe I would finally believe it. Fall of 2019, both the kids were in school full-time (and the choir of angels sings). I started working part-time for an interior designer (YAY! Another vision-board-worthy item checked off my list!), and I felt valuable & validated. I was still online fitness coaching, too, and I thought, “THERE... THAT’S IT!…

I'm happy. I've checked all the boxes."

I’m fulfilled now, right?

Surely I’m worthy now...

right?...

Bueller?... Bueller?...

Would You Like a Global Pandemic?

2020 soon arrived and was SOOOO...2020. By the grace of God, we survived the pandemic…eLearning and all... and I attempted to balance it all with some semblance of dignity & grace...and a LOT of White Claw, red wine, and Cheez-Its.

I am worthy.

I am worthy.

Am I worthy?

Why don’t I feel worthy?

Enough.

It all sorta “worked” until 2022. Getting covid was the final straw. I tested positive the first week of March, and the infection hit me hard. When the acute infection was over, I didn't bounce back like everybody else I knew, and that was a total mind fuck. I was chronically fatigued and in physical & emotional pain for the remainder of the year. Eight weeks passed, and I still felt like shit. In May, I had my semi-annual leg & abdomen ultrasounds since the aneurysm in '17. My vascular surgeon informed me that

May-Thurner Syndrome (a pre-existing vascular condition of mine that we had been watching for years but had never been an issue) was progressing. I had severe compression of my iliac veins, which meant only 30% of the blood flow from my legs circulated back to my heart. I needed stent surgery.

Steve's busy travel schedule wouldn't slow down until July--I'd have to wait until he could be home to help me recover and take care of the kids. We had lots of hope for the surgery. We knew it had to help things, but we didn't know to what degree. We had no idea what was causing what.

In the meantime, I mourned my old "active" life & body. My lifeline of fitness was severed, and I was drowning. My kids no longer knew me as the healthy, energetic mom I used to be. They knew where to find me--in bed. Our sweet, 10-year-old dog, Cash, unexpectedly had to be put down that March, too, and it felt like everything was falling apart.

I didn't know what to do. Just speaking often required a pause & a breath after every few words. I was always ten steps behind. With zero gas in the tank, a simple "Target run" tapped me out for the day. Sometimes just a shower required a nap.

I stopped meal planning & cooking healthy meals. I took a break from my part-time job. I would hobble through the most mundane chores and errands, and eventually, I stopped doing those altogether. Outwardly, I put on a brave face, but I was a mess at home. When he was home, Steve carried the weight of all responsibilities so that I could rest. He is my champion.

Speaking of chores, I had a laundry list of physical and emotional symptoms, including:

Anxiety & Depression

Neck Pain & Back Pain

Brain Fog

Vertigo

Headaches

Fatigue

Nerve flairs in face (right cheek)

Neuropathy in feet & legs

Incessant muscle twitching in legs

Chest Pain radiating into the left arm

Heart Palpitations

Shortness of breath

Stabbing pains in abdomen

Night Sweats

Insomnia

I wanted my life back.

It didn't make sense that May-Thurner Syndrome was causing all of my issues, but if my bloodwork, lab panels, and chest x-rays all continued to look "fine," then I needed to chart a new course. Around 14 weeks after my initial covid infection, I made the conscious decision (by way of a Long Covid support group on FB) to research nervous system regulation & deep dive into healing from within. I didn't even know what that meant then but fueled by Google & desperation, I was going to find out.

The path the Universe has taken me from there has been a genuinely enlightened, spiritual experience, and many of the posts you'll see on the blog will include snippets of my journal entries from that time. Raw, hopeful, heartbroken, honest, and inspired musings from when I decided to fight back against feeling helpless. My journal became my new lifeline, & I realized I could change the narrative. I was the only one who could truly help me. I was the only one who could validate and tell me who I was. I had spent a lifetime looking outward, waiting for someone else to save me...but I'm the hero of this story. I was going to heal, and I would figure out how.

"Until you make the unconscious CONSCIOUS, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - Carl Jung

"I'm the Captain Now."

In that last year, I've learned how to surrender & allow. I'm now choosing peace & ease over hustle & exhaustion. I'm investigating my thoughts, feelings, & emotions and accepting the good, bad, and ugly with the good instead of numbing, repressing, or denying their existence.

The Journey of F.I.T. is the road to healing, regaining my power & wellness, and finally loving myself--exactly WHERE and AS I am. I have shed things that were no longer serving me and peeled back the layers to find the fulfillment I have been searching for for a lifetime. When my circumstances were far less than ideal, I took the opportunity to deep-dive into psychology, spirituality, metacognition, & nervous system healing. They all brought me new solutions and a renewed inner voice. From essential oils and EFT Tapping to hypnotherapy, EMDR, and even micro-dosing, I have been open and in awe of where the journey keeps taking me. I have embraced new concepts and learned to trust the vast and wondrous Universe. I became open to faith & receptive to things that are so much bigger than us all, and THAT is where I found my inner triumph.

This blog is my love language; writing is my passion and helps me process my pain. I hope others can feel my heart in my words, which illuminates something within them to heal. It feels innate to process my emotions through heartfelt communication, and this vulnerability gives me purpose and a deeper meaning in my life. In future posts, I intend to share the highs & lows of the journey but also dive deeper into the concepts, practices, and resources that are helping me along the road. I'm excited, nervous, and grateful that you are along for the ride--Road trips are always better with friends!

Thanks for being here! Please feel free to drop a comment below and say hello!