Shift Happens: Navigating New Paths Again...and Again...

I’ve ridden the rollercoaster of mental health for 20+ years. I had some social anxiety as a kid, and anxiety & depression became my frequent companions during my first year of college. Debilitating stomach and neck pain became the relentlessly annoying sidekick, and I had NO idea that any of those things were red flags or needed immediate attention. My main objectives in life were to be nice to people, put my all into whatever I did, when in doubt drink my courage, and try my best to make friends & not do anything too stupid.

Almost two decades later, The Journey of F.I.T. began in the spring of 2016. Back then, I was a bitter, drained SAHM, often flying solo with two itty, bitty kiddos (3 & 1). My hubby frequently travels for work as an architect in the healthcare industry, and back in those days, I, like so many new Mamas, was in survival mode. I was making up motherhood as I went along and had a lot of hours in the day to fill. (Long days, short years, yadda, yadda...)

So What Would you say you DO here?

I remember somebody asking me once what I did all day.....and although I doubt they meant it as an insult, I was so offended! I think I was literally wearing one of my kids in an Ergo at the time. In the legendary words of Stephanie Tanner, "How RUDE!" I am keeping tiny human beings alive!

ALL. DAMN. DAY. EVERY. DAY.

What more could you possibly want?

I was exhausted and couldn't find the words to articulate what the kids and I actually did do all day. But anyone who has spent extended time with babies & toddlers knows the activities are basic, and the jobs are thankless (eat, clean up, diaper change, play, clean up, diaper change...). Syd & H were so tiny & didn't require much for a full day of mind-blowing entertainment; I required my fuel of coffee, Diet Coke, and red wine. What I actually needed was wellness, grace, and a bit more mental stimulation….(and therapy. OMG…did I need therapy.)

It's Not You; It's Me.

I look back and realize the kids and the ages & stages weren't the issues. Steve's crazy travel schedule wasn't, and still isn't, the issue.

It was me. I was the unfulfilled one.

Becoming a stay-at-home parent was my "out" to flee from the shitty call-center jobs I'd worked for ten years. I received zero satisfaction from working customer service jobs in the

a) hair replacement industry,

b) shipping supply industry, or

c) bureau of Social Security Disability.

But they were the jobs I could get, and although I was grateful for them and tried my best, they all left me depressed, high-strung, and defeated. Surely staying at home with our children was the answer I'd been seeking. Surely there, I will feel the sense of fulfillment & inner peace I have been yearning for.

Whelp.

Still a no....and now I had two little babes watching my every move, entirely dependent on me and my emotional state, and a tremendous amount of Mama guilt. When I acknowledged that my cup was still empty even while nurturing & loving my family, well...that one hit hard. You see, I had "contingent self-esteem," which is a fancy way of saying that my sense of personal worth & value was based upon external factors like my job title, appearance, and social approval.

In April 2016, I joined an online fitness & nutrition community that introduced me to wellness, and it changed. The. Game.

I hit personal, fitness, and business goals and felt compelled to share the ride on social media. I got in the best shape of my life while helping other women like me. It filled my days with more passion & purpose, and from there, The Journey of F.I.T. was born!

When the kids were little, I also fell in love with decorating their rooms on a budget &

DIY-ing our home, so I enrolled in an online interior decorating program. It felt good to flex my mental muscles in a new way, and I was proud when I completed the course and received an Associate Degree in Decorating. In 2017, the Universe worked its divine magic by moving us next right door to a...

wait for it...

interior designer!

Our families got to know each other well, and in 2019, when the kids were both in school full-time, I was onboarded onto her team. I used my love of decor & my communications degree to help with marketing and social media needs, and I was THRIVING. It was the first time, maybe ever, that I wasn't a little embarrassed about my job, which was a big deal to me. I was HUSTLING to do it all. The job. The house. The kids. Steve was, of course, still traveling a ton, but I was making it work. I was living out my dream! I was TIRED, but I was HAPPY...right?

If I'm really honest though, there was still a yearning for more. More of what I didn't know yet, but something told me that this path was also not the end-all-be-all. But I was motivated, grateful for the opportunity, and enjoying the new people, knowledge, and challenges.

Then I got Covid.

In March 2022, everything came to a screeching halt. Well, really, things started to go downhill during quarantine--nothing like a global pandemic to suck the mojo right out of your sails, amIright??! But, when I got infected with Covid, I couldn’t bounce back. Any resemblance of fitness, nutrition, or wellness was long gone. The brain fog was fierce; I couldn't think straight & I struggled hard to take care of my family, home, job, fitness community, and self. The combo of Long Covid and May-Thurner Syndrome (stay tuned for future blogs) made the quickest Target runs seem like the Boston Marathon. Cooking a meal seemed like climbing Mt Everest. (You can see more details on this & a list of all my symptoms in my first blog here.)

This all did quite the number on my physical & mental health—at times, taking me to some pretty dark places. I remember that summer, 3-4 months after my initial infection, floating in the pool some days, thinking about my exit strategy. Not out of the pool... Not out of the house...out of everything. That was when I knew things needed to change. I needed to seek out deep, fundamental, inner healing and start shedding everything else that wasn't serving that purpose. I thank the Lord almighty that I am married to an incredible man who amazes me daily with what he takes on. Even after almost 13 years of marriage, he is still my champion, and I am the luckiest woman in the world. I don’t know how I would have navigated this all without him by my side.

Present day, I’m finding that less is more. When I'm not feeling good physically or mentally, I go back to absolute basics and pay attention to how much water I'm drinking and the foods I eat. I cut back on alcohol (because it causes so much inflammation), only drinking on the weekend and sometimes not even that. I value deep rest, and I dropped the guilt about it.

"The idea of rest to me is not just about sneaking a nap to recharge my batteries. It's way more. It's about nourishment and honoring oneself. It's about making space for downtime. Slow time. Soul time." - Stephanie Bennet Vogt

I slowly started getting back into fitness in January, opting for 15-20 minutes of movement—ANY I could do consistently, such as walking, cycling, and yoga. Careful not to set the bar too high too quickly, I eased back, and I'm happy to report that that went well. I crashed and burned with post-exertional malaise (PEM) after a few fitness attempts in the past, but after about six weeks at that pace, I progressed. So much so that I have recently started incorporating more functional weight training back into the routine.

Since last June, I’ve been utilizing nervous system regulating techniques, and I’ve been learning more & more about mindfulness, the mind-body connection, psychology, spirituality, and plant medicines through books and online courses. (Check out my Resources Page for more details) I’ve learned that the light of personal illumination can shine so much farther & wider when we take the time to pause and listen to what our body is telling us; It’s THERE that we discover what we truly need to thrive.

From its inception, The Journey of F.I.T. has never been just about fitness, and it was NEVER about being a specific size or weight. It has been about filling my tank when I was on empty, navigating self-discovery, and establishing boundaries. It's been about becoming acutely aware of my daily actions because actions create habits, and those habits fill our hours, days, weeks, & years. The journey has been about becoming more & more mindful of my thoughts and words—to other people & myself. And it's been about finding the courage & energy to start all over again when I’ve crashed & burned.

To me, "inner triumph" means that life’s efforts: the wins and the losses, are what cultivate character and move us forward. It’s finding more patience & kindness and less anger & discontent. And when negative emotions arise, sit with them, get curious, and let them show you what is disconnected in your life. Inner triumph is learning the lesson in every experience, giving grace, & accepting that all humans make mistakes. Every. Single. One.

The journey to find inner triumph is a TRIP, and it's not a short one.

It's an adventure that I look forward to spending the rest of my lifetime navigating.

It's not just about hitting goals, nor is it about living in delusion, denial, or naiveté.

It's about discovering who I am in the process of growth.

It’s about turning OFF the auto-pilot and turning ON the intentional steering of my life.

It’s about the AWARENESS of the content of my days.

It’s about WHO I am becoming WHILE I'm voyaging towards my destinations—because THAT’S the sweet spot. THAT’s finding inner triumph.

What is your journey all about? What does inner triumph mean to you?